Bullfrogs On My Mind

Did you ever wake up in the morning with bullfrogs on your mind? That line popped into my head this morning. The line, a lyric, threw me back about twenty years. I used to listen to this great band and that was the first line of a song that turned into this long detailed narrative about a guy, who upon losing his girl to his best friend, proceeds to handle the situation the best he could. Which isn’t to well. Anyway the question is somewhat relevant today. After slamming the snooze button on my alarm clock for the twelfth time I awoke feeling a bit out of sort with myself. I tried to shake it off as one too many of these crazy cocktails the night before. I forget the name of the drink. Something like the dragon slayer or the dragon chaser. Trust me, it tasted more like a Molotov cocktail after it was lit, but after the first one, they go down like water. I heard about this bar from a friend of mine. He’s one of those computer geek, dungeons and dragon types. Names Todd, but he calls himself Lance, Short for Lancelot. He thinks its got more of a mystical, medieval ring to it. Whatever makes him happy I guess? Myself, I’ve never really understood people changing their names, but what do I know. Todd, I mean Lance is a character and he makes me laugh, which is imperative if I plan on spending time with anyone. He said “There’s more maidens in this place than a Parisian catwalk during fashion week.” This could be the one most important thing to say to a single man whose love life has been more like love lifeless of late. I could give you all the excuses, but the truth is I’ve been in a slump. Anyway that’s all I needed to hear. He told me the place was called The Fairy Tale. Immediately I stopped him. ‘I might not be having a lot of luck these day’s with the ladies, but I’m sure as hell not switching teams. He proceeded to pacify my objections and insure me everybody goes there. “Straight, gay, bi, its great! Just check it out.” Friday night came and seeing I had nothing with a look of promise in my book off I went. I was skeptical all right, but what did I have to lose but time. The place was in the warehouse district. When I found the address there was no sign out front, but I knew this was the right place because of the door. The rest of the building was a standard factory type structure, but the door looked like it came straight from some English castle of long ago. I wondered where the hell Robin Hood was and thought to myself, I’m sure I’ll find him inside, green tights and all. I wasn’t wrong. There was a normal sized door at the bottom right hand corner of Jacks giant’s door, so in I went. Most of the people inside were dressed for the part. There were kings. There were queens (of both type). There were knights in armor, witches, wizards, princes, princesses, maidens and every other imaginable cast member you could think of. You could tell the first timers. The Virgins, as the barkeep put it. They of course were all dressed like me in street clothes of this century. I ordered a drink and started checkin’ the place out. The first two things I noticed were how nice everybody was. Yeah, there were the few pretentious blockheads, but that’s to be expected. On the most part, everyone smiled and nodded like they were glad you finally heard the secret. Ecstasy was the first thing that came to mind, but the place didn’t have that rave type of atmosphere, so I dismissed that thought. I suppose it could be the drinks. Nothing had a normal name, so you didn’t really know what you were drinking. Give me six more grogs and one of them there flaming moats. I don’t know, maybe everyone was just cool and the city has made me to cynical over the years. I decided not to dwell on the thought when the other thing I noticed, which was way more interesting, Todd was right. It was like seventy five percent woman. Fuck fairy tales, this is paradise. I’ll kill Todd for not telling me about this place sooner. I was meeting chicks left and right. Truthfully, I don’t remember much. Lots of drinks, lots of flirtatious woman, more drinks, a hug here, a kiss there, before I realized it was four forty five in the morning and I was in a cab spinning my way back to my apartment with a pocket full of new numbers. The slump was over; I was racing for the pennant. That leads us back to me in bed cursing my alarm clock. It was Saturday and I had to work this afternoon. I sell insurance and I had a few appointments. After much mental procrastination I got out of bed, stretched and slowly shuffled to the bathroom. Ahhhh, there is nothing like the eternal piss the morning after a drunken stupor. With that out of the way I turned to the sink to throw some water on my face, shave my tongue and finish the rituals. The first inkling I had that something was wrong was when I filled my cupped hands with water, went to drink it and my tongue fell into my hands. Startling to say the least. Upon this strange occurrence I sprang to attention, focused, and what I saw was undoubtedly fascinating, an instamatic moment of unparallel proportions. Looking at me from my medicine chest mirror, gazing into my eyes as reflections usually do. Was the full size head of a bullfrog? I was stunned! Unafraid cause I was still to hung over to fire enough synapses for my brain to relegate an emotion. A few seconds passed, then a minute. Before I knew it a full five minutes had passed and there I stood, still staring at this humongous frog head. At that moment a thought flashed into my amphibian head and all I could do was laugh. Dam princesses.

TC